Small Penis
by Delusional Fishies
Summary: Japanese men have small penis and I hate Suzaku. A collection of short one-shots. And apparently a bad-taste-humor-collection, so keep away for those without humor.
1. Suzaku's Penis and Euphemia

Small Penis

* * *

It was sinister, what he was about to do. Really. But he needed to ensure that his best friend would not go and abandon his sister.

Well, that and he was just absurdly angry at him for being such a nuisance for his cause.

So without further adieu, "**You will obey my following commands…**"

* * *

Euphemia is a smart princess. Everyone said so; even her big brother Schneizel told her so. And of course, being able to bag Kururugi Suzaku and to find her long lost cousins, she had no reasons to believe otherwise.

So it was to some shock to her system when, as she was sneaking into Ashford Academy, that she heard the following conversation.

* * *

"—Suzaku why did you do it?" Lelouch asked, frustrated by his friend's antics. "Now we need to clean up this mess and…" He sighed and ran his thin, feminine fingers through his hair, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Unseen by Euphemia, a ring of red light appeared around both of Suzaku's pupils as his voice gained a slight mechanical tone and his body became rigid. All of which flew over Euphemia's pretty, pink head.

"I-I… Because Britannians have large penis!" Suzaku shouted as his voice suddenly gained a strange yet Asian accent.

"Okay, Suzaku—Wait, what?" Lelouch did a double take and asked again with narrowed eyes, "What did you just say?"

"Britannians have very big penis! Humungous!" Suzaku replied mechanically as he made a large… shape… in the air with his hands.

"Suzaku, you don't have to play to stereotypes, just because you're in the army—" But Lelouch was cut off by Suzaku as he pulled his pants down. "—Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, buddy."

* * *

Euphemia stalked—er, that is to say—listened from around the corner and peaked just when Suzaku pulled down his pants. To say she was disappointed is to say that the Pope makes the world safe for pedophiles.

It was much later that a panicking Cornelia found Euphemia chugging tequilas and crying, "It's smaller than half my pinkie!"

* * *

From the shadows, the green haired woman sighed and spoke up in a casual tone, "That was a very mean thing to do to your friend, you know?"

"Oh?" The amused tone of a Zero who had just been rolling on his bed giggling like a school girl asked, "And why is that?"

"Your ability changes your victims so that they would follow your orders on the letter." She paused for dramatic effect, "To almost supernatural levels."

Gears turned in Lelouch's head as he processed this information, "So when I told him to show Euphemia the smallest penis in Japan…" He trailed off as his eyes widened.

"Yes." C.C. nodded, "He is the smallest dick in Japan."


	2. Suzaku's Penis and the Military

Small Penis 2

* * *

It was just before the battle of Shikinejima Island, and the general had just called Suzaku to his office for specific orders. Suzaku had had a terrible week, really. First Euphie would keep giving him a look that told him that she pitied him. He had thought they were passed that stage, but he guessed wrong, Suzaku supposed.

Then there were all the guys at school, who would keep patting him on the back, as if he had suffered something horrible. It was nice to have all the Britannian students like him, but he kept blacking out for a few moments when they spoke. And then, when he came to, all the male students would have a silly grin on their faces, muttering something that sounded like, "Yeah, that's right, I guess, we are pretty big."

Even Nunnally, poor, sweet Nunnally, who is definitely blind, seemed to give him a pitying look.

It has not been a good week.

"Reporting for duty, sir," Suzaku spoke without much passion, having been emotionally drained during the week by strange and rather sad scenes.

"Son, come here for a moment would you?" The general motioned him over with a hand.

Puzzled but nevertheless a good soldier, Suzaku walked over without a question. But the General saw his question on his face, so he said, "In the upcoming battle, the higher-ups want you to pull a suicide mission to get Zero into the open…"

The familiar sensation of blacking happened to Suzaku just then, again. "Sir, of course sir, you have big penis!" He spoke in an artificially Asian accent.

"I-Buh-wha-?" The General looked baffled, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"You Britannians have berry huge penis! Make us Japanese feel berry, berry bad, so we do what you say!" Suzaku motioned, with his hands, holding them in the air about a foot apart. For some reason, the General did not see the red rings glowing around Suzaku's pupils, but who could blame him?

"Well, I guess us Britannians _are_ pretty big." The General conceded, with a slightly happier tone. "But that doesn't mean you are getting out of this suicide mission, seeing as you are Japanese and all that, it'd probably be a racial bonus. Though I doubt you're much smaller—"

Before the General could say another word, Suzaku's pants dropped.

"Oh. Oh my." The General stared for a good half-minute before shaking himself out of his stupor, "Well, ah. You know what soldier, you should just go back to your quarters and play with your Chin-poko-mons and standby for further orders, we need to put this mission on review."

As Suzaku mechanically nodded and left, the General pressed a button on his desk. A screen popped up and the faces of the higher-ups, including Princess Cornelia, were there. "Ladies and Gents, I think that boy's life sucks enough already…"

"I completely understand, General." Nodded Cornelia, "In fact, this just proves to me that he can't be anything more than the gay male-friend for Euphemia at most, so there's no reason really for him to be killed off. Meeting adjourned."

And so, by some weird coincidence, Lelouch's Geass command ended up saving Suzaku's life more than once, because such an occurrence of Suzaku's pants dropping to say that he was as equipped as a Ken doll happens more often than one might think.

* * *

Elsewhere and a long time later, in Suzaku's bunk, "Lelouch vi Britannia, because of you I have seen hell!"


	3. Suzaku's Penis and Pedobear

Small Penis 3

* * *

Diethard Reid looked up at Zero from his post, "How will we deal with this move Zero? If Odysseus gains the Empress's hand in marriage, then over two-thirds of the world will be against us from all fronts!"

Kaguya smirked down at the reporter from Zero's side, "Zero-sama, I have an invitation to her wedding if that is what you have in mind?"

Before Kallen could protest the audacity of charging into the wedding of the first prince of Britannia, Lelouch raised a hand. Everyone on the bridge quieted down to hear his plan. With a dramatic thrill of his cape, Zero's booming voice filled the room, "I know exactly what to do. Odysseus is too kind hearted for his own good… Diethard, I have need of your resources."

Reid perked up at that, "What is it, My Lord?"

"There is a colleague of yours I wish to employ…"

* * *

Odysseus hummed a wonderfully cheerful tune as he delightfully strolled into the imperial palace. The Chinese palace was decorated differently from the Britannian palaces, but with years of navigating such labyrinths under his belt, Odysseus had no problem finding the Empress's chambers.

"Hello, Lady Tianzi?" He asked in his soft voice as he knocked on the side of the wooden door he crossed. While normally he would have been announced by someone whose official job was to announce those entering court, Odysseus had come after a private chat session with Tianzi on the internet, or so he thought.

"Hello there, First Prince," spoke a snarky voice, one so greasy yet suave. "Do you know who I am?" A vicious smile could be heard in this man's voice, as he walked out of the shadowy corners of the room, and into Odysseus's vision.

Odysseus perked up slightly at the sight of the man, "Hey!" He said, "I know you, you're from that television show where they catch old men who prey on innocent young girls, I really like your show…" He trailed off, suddenly wondering how this entertainer got the privilege of getting into the Chinese Imperial Palace.

"How did you get in here?" He added, clueless as his brows furrowed in confusion.

The tanned, blond man sneered and spoke in his odious tone, "I'm Chris Hanson, your highness. Would you please take a seat over there?" He motioned to a chair in front of him.

Odysseus frowned in confusion, but nevertheless he complied.

"Okay, but where is the Empress?" Odysseus asked, "And why are you here?"

Out of nowhere, Chris Hanson pulled out a thin stack of papers, documents. Without looking up from his information, Chris Hanson said, "Smile at the camera, Prince Odysseus. You are on To Catch a Predator."

"W-what?"

Pulling out a pair of glasses, Chris Hanson began to read off from his papers, "Did you not speak with Empress Tianzi, a.k.a. shychinagirl123 on the internet chat room designated here?"

"Well yes, but…"

"It says here you said, quote: 'Let us cement our alliance together in the closest bonds possible,' unquote."

"But that is just our political alliance!"

"Alright," Chris Hanson allowed, "Then what about this following quote, 'I want to stab my hardened Britannian forces into your welcoming fields,'?"

"That is because we are at war with Zero and I need to bring Britannian forces to China…" Odysseus struggled, scolding himself for using flowery words.

Chris Hanson nodded slowly. "Alright First Prince…" He said slowly in his annoyingly greasy tone, "What about this last quote I have from the end of another one of your chat sessions, 'After all that political stuff, let's have mad kinky sex.'?"

"I-Um… Ah…"

Chris Hanson raised a single eye brow in a supremely arrogant fashion, "Uh huh." He nodded, not believing a single word out of the Britannian Prince's mouth.

* * *

"Lord Zero! That was a smashing success! Not only did we destroy Britannia's reputation in both Britannia and in Europe, the First Prince of Britannia has not shown his face in public, or even out of his room or the past month!"

"Yes, I know I'm wonderful, keep praising me." Zero nodded smugly as he sat back and enjoyed the showing praises.

"There is one thing though, My Lord," Diethard added, "my colleague wishes to speak with you, probably to celebrate."

"Well, patch him through then," Zero motioned for it with a majestic wave of his hands.

The large screen on the bridge blinked for a second before the large, arrogant visage of Chris Hanson appeared on the screen.

"Congratulations on your victory Zero." He said.

Zero nodded, "Thank you now is there something you want to talk to me about?"

Chris Hanson nodded, "Yes, it's about your traveling companion who claims to be your wife, one Lady Kaguya?" Chris Hanson raised a single eyebrow in question.

Zero spluttered, "What does she have to do with anything? She's just my financial backer!"

Chris Hanson nodded slowly, "I'm sure her claims as one of your four legal wives has nothing to do with it." He paused and spoke louder, "Well, what about this unnatural fascination with the Britannian Princess, Nunnally vi Britannia, you are rumored to have? Your forces have spoken loudly about how you give her peripheral treatment…"

"I-She…Uh!"

Chris Hanson raised a single eye brow in a supremely arrogant fashion, "Uh huh." He nodded, not believing a single word out of the Britannian Prince's mouth.


	4. Suzaku's Penis and the End of Season One

"LELOUCH!"

"SUZAKU!"

"**LELOUCH!**"

"**SUZAKU!**"

"**LELOU—**hey, is that Kallen?"

"Kallen! Help me!"

"No, don't do it Kallen, he lied to you!"

"Kallen, trust me, I'm doing this for our cause!"

"How can you trust a man built upon lies, Kallen?"

Kallen looked back and forth between the two charismatic youths, both individually handsome and making her tummy warm and itchy, and tried to make the split second decision. Onii-chan never taught her about boys, always getting red faced and ignoring her when she asked until she stopped asking about boys.

"Wait, Kallen!" Lelouch shouted, "Do you want to trust someone as _small _and _petty_ as Suzaku? You know I'm the one who will do the right thing!"

At the trigger word small, Suzaku's eyes misted over and he retorted with a demeaning accent to all Japanese, "You rived in the shitty too rong Rerouch! You think such a tactic wirr work against me, just because my wirry is too smarr?"

"What?" Kallen's eyes twitched in annoyance.

"Just because Britannians have BEEG PEENIS does not mean they everyting!"

Lelouch was only happy that Suzaku was no longer paying attention to him and no longer had a gun pointed to his head.

But then Suzaku took off his pants. "Rook! My tiny wirry actuarry rets me perform acts of superhuman feats!" With that, he jumped into the air, blinding Lelouch with his ugly, tiny 'wirry' and spun half a dozen times in the air before kicking Lelouch's gun out of his hand.

"Now I got you! **REROUUCH!**"

"You should let me go, Suzaku, because my penis is… rather big."

Suzaku was torn. On one side, he really, _really_ wanted to obey the Superior Penis' commands, yet on the other hand, his overwhelming hatred for 'Rerouch' clouded his mind and urged him to take him down.

In the end, his body decided that such a conflict was too stressful for Suzaku, so his penis shrunk _into_ his body and his mind overloaded, causing him to faint.

"W-well," Lelouch coughed into his hands while straightening his clothing. He turned to Kallen, "Looks like I took care of that."

"That doesn't mean I forgive you for lying to me, Lelouch!" Kallen yelled, slapping the poor guy so hard, his helmet broke and he lost consciousness.

Sadly for Lelouch, Suzaku recovered his mind before Lelouch could recover from the girly, -4 strength slap. Not remembering anything, Suzaku pulled up his pants, feeling oddly flexible and free from a strange burden that made his legs feel much more limber, and dragged the still fainted Lelouch to see the Emprah Charles.

* * *

Notes: Check out my more serious stories, **Zero Tango **and **Replay**. I'm probably going to put Replay on hold though, because Zero Tango has so many ideas coming in right now, and I'm rather tired of writing things about Naruto for the moment. I'll get back to it later.


	5. Suzaku and Rolo

**Small Penis—Interlude **

* * *

"C.C., I need a way to make sure Rolo will protect my sister while I'm stuck here." Lelouch sighed like a girl.

The green-haired witch plopped onto her elbows from under the covers and rolled her eyes. "She's safe enough as it is, probably safer than she ever was with you."

Lelouch completely ignored that statement and went on to say, "I'm pretty sure he's a homosexual, so that gets rid of that… and the only real enemies Nunna—urk, ugh… cough, cough…" Lelouch choked on his saliva.

"Still haven't recovered from the beating you got from Hansen's party van crew, huh?"

"Sh-shut up, you never-putting-out witch," Lelouch sputtered as he got up from the ground. Every time he thought of his experience, the phantom pains returned… what a beating!

"How about this…"

* * *

Rolo Lamperouge walked into the throne room and bowed. "Your highness," he intoned.

"Rise, please, Mister Lamperouge," Princess Nunnally spoke, "I hope you don't mind that I have Sir Kururugi here. Lately, he's been a little depress—"

"Protective," Suzaku cut in. "_Protective._"

"Right," Nunnally clapped her hands softly as if she did not really care, but in a totally innocent way.

"Wait," Rolo frowned, "Knight Kururugi is a Japanese…?"

'…_Oh, no…_' Nunnally could feel what was going to happen. Why, world?

"Indeed," Suzaku narrowed his eyes at Rolo. Was this replacement a racist?

'…_Oh, no…_'

"I…" Suddenly, Rolo's tone turned… troll-like, "You herd I liek tiny peniz?"

'…_Oh, no…_'

Suzaku went cross-eyed, but even the mightiest will in the world would not be able to fight the Geass commands. His legs crossed and his knees shook, but he stayed standing.

'…_Oh, no…_'

"Wai, harro, wai yesu I do has a tiny penris!"

'…_Oh, no…_'

"Can I haz tiny peniz?"

'…_Oh, no…_'

"Puleesu do notu eetu mai peenisu!" However, Suzaku's belt mysteriously loosened and his pants fell.

'…_Oh, no…!_' Nunnally knew she should not have gotten up this morning.

"Alright, alright, cool, cool," Rolo replied as he put on his robe and wizard hat.

"Wa—whato aru yew doingu?" Suzaku cried.

"I'm never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down," Rolo sang to Suzaku as he neared the frozen Japanese Knight, "Never gonna turn around and hurt you."

Nunnally cried inwardly, '_There are two of them!_'

Rolo pointed at Nunnally and smirked, "Picture Unrelated."

"I'mu so konfusudo," Suzaku screwed his head, but the Larger Penis demanded his obedience… once he figured out what it was trying to tell him.

Nunnally tried to push her wheelchair away, but Rolo tripped it and laughed at her, "Hey, Nunnally, U Mad?"

There were tears in her eyes, but not for the reasons Rolo thought. And she would never give him the satisfaction of letting him think he won. Why did anyone think he was her replacement?

Rolo looked down at Nunnally, who was lying on the ground and staring in his general direction, and suddenly looked serious, "I ask of you, are you my Master?"

Suzaku's head felt like it was going to explode. He fell on the floor and started rolling around on the ground while clutching his head.

Rolo spared a glance his way and shouted, "RAGE QUIT?"

"What… whato aru yew doingu…? Wai…" Tears rolled down Suzaku's face from his brain overloading and then blue screening. "Puleesu jaasuto tell mee wai…"

"I came here to FFFFffff—" After two minutes, "—ffffuck you!"

Obedient to the Larger Penis, Suzaku turned around and turned his ass skywards.

Rolo immediately leaped back and covered his face, as if burned. "Ahhhh!" He cried, "You so srs! Why so srs?"

"Ba… bato, yew saido…"

"I am disappoint!" Rolo shouted, before kicking Suzaku out of the room, and then charging out after him, "Leeroy Jenkins!"

* * *

Nunnally huddled in a corner. When asked why she did not support her brother in his revolution when she found out who he was and what he did, in an interview much later, she replied, "No comment."


	6. Suzaku's Penis Dooms the Multiverse

Small Penis 5

* * *

"…And so you see, Lelouch, soon, the whole world will be one consciousness!"

"…No…"

"...Yes…"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

'_Quick, think Lelouch! How did I fix my last few problems? By using Suzaku's penis against him, derpdur! Wait… Suzaku's penis is __**tiny**__! Tiny… Asians are tiny! Wait… __**Asians**__! Most Chinese are Asians… Wait, __**Chinese**__! As in Chinese Gold Farmers! Wait… __**Gold Farmers**__! World of Warcraft is one of the most lucrative games for Gold Farmers! That's it… __**World of Warcraft**__! You're a genius, Lelouch!'_

With a girly wave of his hand in a grandiose gesture, Lelouch called with his Geass active, "**By the will of Lelouch vi Britannia, you will all be addicted to World of Warcraft! Should the world become one consciousness, then you will never play the game again because one of its main selling points is its easily accessed social network (false)!**"

"Noooo!" Marianne and Charles wailed as they disintegrated.

* * *

_Several months later…_

* * *

"…I still can't believe Nunnally opened her eyes just to play World of Warcraft," Lelouch fell on his bed right next to C.C.

"Lelouch, I have to tell you something important about the Geass command you used, like I did in Chapter 1."

"What now? How did I benefit this time?"

"Lelouch, there's a theory out there that there are infinite dimensions. And of these infinite dimensions, there are infinite of them that are connected to ours, in the consciousness. So…"

"Oh… I… Oh."

"Yeah, many people's real life social lives wish to murder you right now."

"Eh, if that's all, that's nothing. I mean, already six billion of them here want to kill me for what I did; some more won't make much of a difference." Lelouch shrugged and went back to trying to cuddle up against C.C. discretely.

C.C. slapped away Lelouch's hands.


End file.
